My Potential Mistresses

Awhile back, I was asked by my uncle if I had a girlfriend in Hanoi.  Of course, I said no (wink, wink EAG) and he replied, "Tại sao, cháu sợ?" which translates to "why, are you scared?"  This comment, however, was translated in my head as "Why not pussy, you scured...bitch?"  And to that, I responded, "Psh, I'm playin' fool, I gots so many hoes, I don't even know what to do"--this was in Vietnamese, of course.  [Editor's note: Yeah, surprisingly, the last comment did not happen.  I know, shocking.  What really happened was a weak "noooo..." was stuttered and a sad walk out the room, a la Arrested Development.]

Apparently, this is a very popular question and has been posed to me by my Xe om/motorbike taxi, who recommended I go to the countryside because it is "easier" to get women there (ya'll know how them country girls are) or the Philippines (yeah, don't ask because I don't know either), my other uncles, some male students, some female students (one which will be further discussed below), my landlord, and my neighbors.  Now, I think some were just joking, but some others were a bit harder to discern their true feelings over the subject of having multiple "lovers."  And honestly, I really believe that some of them endorse the notion that, in my case, it is okay to have a Vietnamese wife in VN and another wife (race is flexible here but Viet is preferred) in America.  It is just the natural desire and virility of the Vietnamese MAN, so sorry EAG, it's in the genes.  And in her jeans, and her jeans....[Ah, see what I did there.  Poet, I be.]

With that inspiration for this post, I will list some potential mistresses here in VN, in no particular order because ranking them would be a bit sexist and degrading, which does not happen ever in this post.  No pics because that's becoming a stalker.

The Nursing Student in Saigon
 I met her in a cafe in Saigon around the time of Tet, the Vietnamese New Year.  Normally a nursing student, but since everyone was off for holiday, she was helping out at her distant relative's cafe.
Pros: She is very hiền (meek, gentle), which is a nice change of pace from EAG, who has learned this nasty habit of showing "independent thought," which ladies, is kind of a turn off, FYI (I think I used this joke before...sorry).  When I asked her what she does for fun in Saigon, she said, "Oh, I like studying, checking blood, running tests, helping people who are sick, etc."  And the crazy thing is that there was no ounce of any sarcasm or joking, and she said it in such a soft voice, it was ridiculously innocent and pure.  And a person in the medical field that cares about patients?  Psh, that's why VN is still a developing nation.
Cons:  I don't like to give blood for tests so I would imagine Friday nights of her taking my blood pressure and drawing blood from me a bit scary and boring.
 
The Film Student
 I probably shouldn't write about students, but I'm going to because this is pretty funny.  Met her at one of my schools I work at in Hanoi.
Pros:  Very friendly and pretty.  Straight to the point in many subjects.
Cons:  Maybe too friendly.  Said I'm too young to be in a long term relationship and that I should break it up now because it would be easier now than later.  Asked me what chance she has with me, in front of the entire class (maybe this is a pro--initiative?  She got ovaries of steel, as I could never do that.).  The other male students in the class told me to be careful and that she is called "Da Spider" and let my imagination determine what that nickname means.

The Highly Priced Makeup Salesperson
I walk by this store to go do research and occasionally make eye contact with her.
Pros:  Very Pretty.  Has a job.  Knows how to do makeup.
Cons:  She is what some Viet people would call điệu, or "high maintenance," and that sometimes comes with an attitude undesirable to me (but maybe good for a mistress...).  Stealing an artistic concept from John, I think with the amount of makeup she wears, if she ever does leave the air conditioned store, she would literally melt her face off.  And we all have seen "beautiful" celebrities with their makeup off, so who knows what lies beneath.  Yeah, I'm vain.   

The Tour Guide in Dong Hoi
Umm, she was the tour guide we had in Dong Hoi.  Met her on the tour.
Pros:  I think most people on the tour (Fulbright Peeps) totally knew I was severely crushing on this lady.  Cute. Cute. Cute.  Cute shoes too.  Can't really explain it, she was just adorable like a puppy rolling in spring grass.  I'm sorry EAG but I think I love her in the way only 1990s R&B Boy Band sensation can describe:

*But don't worry EAG, I still love more, via the better 1990s R&B Boy Band Sensation Boyz II Men:*

Cons:  Works in the tourism industry, though this would be good for me if I ever did marry her because of my English skills, I'm sure I would be a popular guide for English speaking tourists.  Plus I can say, "I don't care what Lonely Planet says, I'm Vietnamese, are you telling me I'm wrong??  Anyways, as I was saying, after Ho Chi Minh defeated Hitler and killed 32,195 Nazis in 1975..." (It's okay, I'm a product of Texas Public Education).  Yup, she's close to perfection

And no EAG, this is not a warning.  Just step your game up is all I'm saying.

tony